Today, Jan 8, 2010
I got my heartbroken one more time. I've lost counts on how many times I've gotten this heart of mine broken. I wonder so much how much I can go through this. It always feels like I'm dying inside and holding it inside when people are around. I tried not to do my mistakes this time. But I did somehow. I always blame myself. I should NEVER be with anyone. I don't think I deserve anyone. Because in the end I'm the one that gets hurts. I cry and cry and it just never ends. It feels to me like someone is trying to steal my heart out of my chest. It hurts like hell. My mind wonders a lot every time I go through this. But I try my best to stay strong and positive. I've gone through depression when I was younger. It was horrible. I ended in the hospital, needed to take some pills, and go to a psychiatrists. But I dropped all of that shit. It was a wake up call. I'm not sick, I was young but I needed to move on with my life. So every time I have a heartbreak a little from the past comes back and I need to tell myself it's gonna be alright because tomorrow gonna be another day to live.
I'm just so tired of all this pain. I wish it was easier to get over it. I know I will get over it but the first month hits me like my first depression. Love is such a pain. I don't want to ever love someone. I'm scared of loving. There's been time that I've felt it with some people. But I never said the love word. Because I knew that it wont last. Things never last in this world. I don't think I'll ever find love. I'm terrified to love someone, cause of my past. I don't believe in marriage now. These heartbreaks have ruined me inside and out.
This time I thought it was true and I felt that feeling of love with him. I never shared it with him. Because behind my head and heart I knew I was going to get hurt.
I do want to feel how love feels, but I don't think I can't cause I'm so scared of it. Love for me is like preparing to feel the pain of dying. haha that sounds horrible.
I just wish someone will love me for who I am. And show it and promise me never to hurt me. But I have a curse of every guy I date always leaves me and hurt me.
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